Can We Have a Grown-up Talk?

I love indulging my passions. A fly on the wall would be both shocked and amused at my antics. Spend more than a few hours with me and I bet you would be too. While I can maintain a professional attitude at work and I prefer not to swear in front of my mom, most social conventions get thrown out the window when I'm left to my own devices for too long. I similarly prefer to surround myself with people a lot like me, which also means that we become enablers, or even instigators, to each other. I have been witness to or participated in most of the wonderful vices known to modern man.

Which takes me to porn. Don't turn away! I'm not going to embarrass you, me or my mom in this conversation. (While I'd love to say that I'll actually make my mom proud with this post, that wouldn't exactly be accurate either. Probably.)

Pornography has been around for a long time. Frescos uncovered in the ancient city of Pompeii (buried under 20 feet of volcanic ash in AD 79) depicted graphic scenes of handsome men and beautiful women doing their best to illustrate the entire catalogue of The Birds and the Bees. Man/Woman, Men/Women, Man/Man, Woman/Woman and sometimes Man/Woman/Member of the Animal Kingdom. Pretty much everything there to view. Like a very educational Google search. Or late night Cinemax.

Like ancient Rome, porn is now going much more mainstream than it used to be, even a few decades ago. Do you know who Bree Olson is? If your first guess was Porn Star, then you are a guy and I know what you've been doing with your computer. If you answered, "Porn Star who famously hooked up with Charlie Sheen and that other woman during Charlie's near downfall, and then got even more famous by telling her part of the story to TMZ," you would also be right and have illustrated my point.

Do you know what Bree Olson isn't? She isn't real. Bree Olson isn't her real name. You can find her stats and dimensions; her turn ons and turn offs; what she thinks about the industry, Charlie Sheen, and religion. But you and I don't know what she's like in an arguement. We don't know how she cleans her house, how she cuddles up to a loved one when she's tired, nor the quirks she has about shopping. In short, we don't have a person. We have a porn starlet.

Pornography is a poor (albeit sexy) imitation of a relationship. It doesn't show the day-to-day events and activities that build a partnership. It doesn't show taking out the trash, changing the diapers or rubbing your beloved's feet. It only shows you . . . well . . . you know.

And THAT is why I hate the term "food porn." Example: While I love Neil Patrick Harris, and he has a great Twitter feed of beautiful food from famous restaurants from all over the world, (@NPHFoodPorn), the real beauty of the food he is enjoying is NOT in the picture of the dish, but in the making and sensuality of it.

Food porn doesn't show you the ingredients, challenges, efforts and triumphs of truly wonderful cuisine. The time it takes assemble disparate parts; the sweat in a hot kitchen; the sticky fingers; flour hanging in the air; the smell of soup-stock simmering on the stove. This where my relationship to food gets permanently fixed in my soul.
But here's the rub: I still love looking at pictures of food. The experience can be inspirational. There is a fantasy, a desire, a carnal wanting that makes you crave more. Yes, even though I hate the thought of food porn, I indulge in it, too. The preacher also sins.

So here's a couple of recipes that could be food porn, but I am better for having had the relationship.

Gulkand 

Thank you to my friend at Indian Food Rocks for inspiring me and pointing me in the right direction. This particular recipe was adapted from recipes found extensively on the internet.

4-5 cups of aromatic Rose Petals (see recipe, below, to keep it safe)

2 cups White or Raw Sugar (I like more sugar than is usually suggested)

3 Cardamom Pods

2 teaspoons Coriander Seeds

4 Whole Cloves

Early in the morning, while your roses are just opening up for the day, snip the best-looking rose heads into a bowl. Make sure the roses are free of bruises, blemishes and BUGS! This is not part of my entymophagy post. Separate the petals from the rest of the rose head, and lay the petals out on a paper towel. Don't bother patting them dry but do remove any excess water. Discard any petals that are badly damaged, bruised, dried and crinkly, etc.

In a wide-mouth mason jar, layer rose petals and sugar. Somewhere in the middle, sprinkle in the spices. Finish with rose petals on top.

Seal the jar and place it in the sun for 6 hours a day for 3-4 weeks. Every other day, open the jar and give it a stir with the handle of a wooden spoon. (Opening the jar also allows you to indulge your senses by taking a whiff. I have to imagine this is what faerie farts smell like.) There will be condensation in the jars. This is good.

After 3-4 weeks, the petals break down and everything turns dark and muddy in color. This is also good. The sugar crystals melt and clump and pick up color and flavor.

You can eat the gulkand right off a spoon (Lord knows I do!) or you can add it to other ingredients. It combines well with alcohol. Mix a tablespoon of gulkand in 2 oz of water, 2 oz of good gin and 1 oz of vodka. Stir until the sugar has dissolved. Add the fresh juice of 1/2 lemon, shake over ice for 30 seconds and strain into a cocktail glass. refreshing on a summer night!

Orange Lavender Bitters

Like the bitters before, but MUCH better.

750ml Everclear

3 tablespoons Coriander Seeds

1 Anise Star

1 teaspoon Allspice Berries

2 teaspoons Peppercorns (I used white. That's what I had on hand.)

1 California Bay Leaf

8oz Dried Orange Peel

25 Drops Gentian Root Extract

8oz Dried Lavender Flowers

In a clean jar, combine all the dried ingredients EXCEPT for the lavender. Add the Everclear and the gentian root extract. Seal the jar and store in a cool, dark place for 7 days. Give it a good shake once a day. The liquid should start to turn orange.

After the first week has passed, add the lavender. Shake once a day for 7 more days.

Strain it through a seive to catch the big stuff, then double filter it through a pitcher water filter (I use a Brita).

When it is pretty clear (although very dark), put it in a sauce pan over medium low heat. Reduce it to 1/2. Store in clean jars.

Amazing Things You'll Find on the Internet

Sometimes, serendipity happens. I love finding things that I didn't know existed. Like the blobfish. I never knew that existed. And forgive me for being so species-centric, but man! is it ugly!

But this is a food blog, and I cannot imagine eating one of these things.

Foodies have their fun on the net as well. Take The Grill Sergeants! This website showcases The Pentagon Channel's on-air cooking show. Make no mistake, the recipes are ok and typically taste good enough (albeit the printed format is often incomplete), and is perfectly representative of nearly every other cooking show. The real magic lives in the personalities. Each chef is, as the name suggests, a Sergeant in the military. For example, SFC Brad Turner, combines the on-air personality of Emeril Lagasse with the in-your-face charm of R. Lee Ermey. And if it sounds like terrifying spectacle, well, it is.

While cooking and food sites usually boil down (forgive the pun?) to a list of recipes (if you're lucky) and lots of advertising for kitchen gadgets, a few exceptions stand out. Cook's Illustrated gathers all of it's revenue from subscriptions and production of PBS shows and has no advertising on its website nor in its magazine. Its product reviews are objective, with the end user in mind, and the recipes (complete with an almost Carl Sagan-like nerdiness of explaination behind them) are nearly foolproof and quickly sorted with their search engine. However, as their intellectual property is their only revenue, you must pay to play. (Worth every penny IMHO.)

I also rather enjoy Cooking.com, but the recipes all have some kind of agenda. For example, look for "rice." 739 results and not one tells you how to cook rice. Sure you can see how to make a serviceable paella, but if someone wants to make a pot of rice . . . tough.

And then there is the discussion of vegitarian vs. carnivores. Or worse, vegitarian vs. vegan. Regardless of your politcal stance, basic nutrition dictates that a balanced diet has room for some meat and far more veggies than most of us eat. The World Wide Web is another story, though! Meat is comparatively under-represented. There are some gems, though. Case in point, the very classy, very well designed Exotic Meats USA. Lovely to look at, easy to navigate, simple to shop. Also, entertaining to read. (Look for the "Eat Your Mascot, 8Lbs. Sampler.") However, the recipes are a challenge to find, and not numerous.

Compare this to VegCooking, a very good source for vegetarian and vegan recipes and musings. But not as pretty to look at. (As an aside, will someone please tell me, why do vegetarians WANT everything to to be meat? "Mock Fish." "Mama Gleaton's Tofu Turkey with Dressing." " 'Beef' and Broccoli Stir-Fry." Meat substitutes can be found everywhere and in all forms. Rare is the product or recipe that touts, "I am not a meat and proud of it.")

But the most disturbing vegan cuisine, at least visually, is Cuitlacoche, a corn fungus. I will say little more on the subject. However, Steve says a LOT more, and far more colorfully than I would dare on this family-oriented posting.

The culinary arts are warming up and I'm excited to discover where the future will take us. Wherever it may be, I know I'll be able to get there on the often frustrating, occasionally informative and always amazing internet.

And in case you thought I would leave you stranded:

Rice

Put between 1/3 and 1/2 cup of dry white rice per person into a pot. Tap the side of the pot until the rice is evenly distributed over the bottom of the pan. Barely touch your fingertip to the top of the rice and fill with cold water until the water comes 1/2 way between the 1st and second knuckle. Add a bit of salt. Put it on the stove on high and bring to a boil. Without lifting the lid, immediately reduce the heat to low and simmer for 20 minutes. (If you use an electric burner instead of gas, put it on another burner or you will boil it too long while the element cools down.) Let stand, covered, for a minute or two while you set the table, fluff the rice and serve.