I Have No Idea What to Call This One

This is the best name for this dish I could think of, so far. 

Hide the Sausage
1 boneless Pork Loin Roast (about 2 1/2 lbs)
4 Bratwurst Sausages
1 Onion, sliced
2 tablespoons Butter
1 bottle Cheap Beer (do NOT use a lite beer--you'll just embarrass yourself)
Salt and Pepper
2 more tablespoons Butter
2 tablespoons AP Flour
1 sheet Puff Pastry

Make the bratwurst, beer, butter and onions according to this recipe. 

Lay the loin fat-side down on a cutting mat.  Using a long knife, start a cut about an inch and a half from the top edge of the loin and continue cutting parallel to the cutting mat.  When you get about an inch and a half away from the edge of the loin, unfold that flap and turn the knife to slice toward the mat. When you get about an inch and a half from the next edge of the loin, continue to unfold and slice.  You ulimately want to unroll the entire loin into an inch and a half thick scroll.  Season with salt and pepper. 

In a large skillet, melt the remaining butter over medium high heat.  When completely melted, sprinkle in the flour and whisk.  Keep whisking/stirring until the roux starts to darken but before it turns a deep brown.  Remove the brats and onions from the beer bath and pour the golden liquid into the roux, whisking thouroughly and constantly.  When the sauce has thickened to a very thick gravy, remove from the heat.  Let it cool for 10 minutes. 

Spread about 1/2 of the gravy evenly in the center of the unrolled loin, stopping about one and a half inches from the edges. Lay the brats latterally 2x2 and end to end at what was the center-most part of the loin (the part that will be the center when you start re-rolling the loin).  Add the onions on top of the brats.

Roll the loin back up.  You can try tying it, but honestly, everything is going to goo out.  Instead, I wrapped the whole thing tightly in two layers of aluminum foil.  Place the package on the hot part of the grill.  Close the lid and cook for 10 minutes.  Turn the package over and cook the other side for about 8 minutes. 

The loin will now hold it's shape but the goo inside will come pouring out, so I unwrapped the top of the loin and left the bottom still sit in foil.  I moved the loin to the cool part of the grill, added cherry wood to the coals and then closed the lid to smoke for about 20 minutes. 

Bring the loin in and let it rest for 10 minutes.

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. 

Roll the puff pastry out into a sheet large enough to wrap the loin.  Place the loin, smoke-side down on the center of the pastry and wrap it up, sealing the seam on the bottom.  Trim away the excess dough from the ends.  Flip the package over and lay it in the center of a parchment paper-lined cookie sheet.  Poke a lot of little holes in the top of the pastry to let the steam out and pop it into the oven. 

Cook for 15 minutes or until the crust is golden brown.  The interior temperature will read about 170 degrees.  Let rest for 10 minutes.  Slice and serve!

I know the name implied a post more hilarious.  Sorry to let you down. 

Penis. 

Does that make up for it?

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Updated)

It's my birthday.  Hands down, it's the best time of the year.  The whole nation celebrates with fireworks and cookouts.  You are given the day off from work.  There will be baseball games and parades, classic car shows and concerts in the park.  However, because I cannot be everywhere at once (well, yes I can.  I am with you in your heart) I thought I would invite you, virtually, into my backyard. 

First thing you have to know, our backyard is less yard and more contained open space.  Like a parent who calls her poorly behaved child, "energetic," "a free spirit," or my favorite, an Indigo Child, I have labeled my bad backyard "natural," and "feral."  Our house is known locally as The Jungle House.  We have a lot of plants that would be considered weeds in most backyards.  (We have many edible plants, as well.)  Needless to say, we don't have a classy swimming pool.  We don't even have a less classy but still refreshing above ground pool.  What we have is the quaint and oh-so-charming blue plastic wading pool that our dog loves to stand in and drink. 

So the idea of Pirate Night in our back yard for my birthday celebration seemed rather incongruous on a hot summer night in Colorado. 

And yet, it was oh so right. 

We started off with drinks and caprese salad, then mango, papaya and grilled pineapple with a butter, bourbon and brown sugar sauce.  Followed by a corn casserole, smoked crab legs, and Caribbean Merpig.  (Ok, I made that one up.  There are no such things as Merpigs.  Neither are there mermaids or mermen.  Nor North Dakota for that matter.  North Dakota is actually a fictional land created by both Canadians and "South" Dakotans to make themselves feel better.  "At least we don't live in North Dakota!" they all say.)  I made a wonderful Tres Leches cake for dessert.  We wore eye patches and temporary tattoos and folded paper hats.

Of course, it's already late and I'm sleepy.  I'll give you recipes and the rest of the story soon.

Part 2 (still soon):

A successful party depends on many things: the decorations, the food, the activities, the guests.  My lovely and artistic bride made a tablecloth and a new cushion for a little foot stool.  We strung LED lights along the ribs of the picnic umbrella.  We tore out most of the inedible weeds.  We kept the party small so that we could all sit around one table.  We didn't invite kids (so nice being a DINK).  Mother Nature cooperated by cooling off later in the evening.  My awesome brother provided rum drinks and the bar tending service after wisely picking Chris's brain--our favorite bartender at Green Russell.

Blessedly, the guests themselves became the activity.  Not everyone knew each other but by the end of the evening, new friendships were founded.  And there were pirate hats folded out of newspaper and eye patches made for children that, when worn by an adult with a normal-sized adult head, would pinch the blood off above the eyebrows and make the top of your melon turn an unsightly purple, thus increasing the necessity of the hats.  It was fun applying tattoos--in some cases on each other.

We blissfully avoided singing Happy Birthday to me. 

All-in-all, it was most every wish granted. 

For a pirate-themed birthday try:

Butter, Brown Sugar and Bourbon Sauce
1/2 stick Butter
1/2 cup packed Dark Brown Sugar
1/3 cup Bourbon
Melt the butter and sugar together in a sauce pan, stirring constantly.  When nearly melted and before it starts bubbling, slowly pour in the bourbon.  Stir until the sugar is completely melted, reduce the heat to a simmer and let it reduce to a nice syrup, about 15-20 minutes. 

Pour over fresh fruit, ice cream, popcorn or almost any other dessert. 


Caribbean Merpig (or Caribbean Inspired Rack of Ribs)
1 rack of Pork Ribs
Rub:
3/4 cup packed Brown Sugar
3 tablespoons Red Chili Powder (I recommend medium Chimayo chili powder)
1 1/2 tablespoons Baking Cocoa Powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground Cinnamon
Mop Sauce:
3 tablespoons butter
1/4 cup Spicy Brown Mustard
1/4 cup Yellow Mustard
1/4 cup packed Brown Sugar
1/4 cup Honey
pinch of Salt
1 teaspoon fresh ground Allspice

Lay the ribs on a large piece of tinfoil, bones-side (less meaty side) up.  Thoroughly combine all of the ingredients for the rub.  Pour about 1/3-1/2 of the rub on the bones side.  Using your fingers, spread it evenly all over the meat.  Flip the ribs over and repeat with the remaining rub.  Seal the ribs in tinfoil, crimping the sides and ends as best you can.  Place on a cookie sheet and pop into a 250 degree oven.  Bake for about 2 1/2 hours.  Meanwhile, combine all the mop ingredients in a saucepan and cook until melty and smooth and tasty. 

Start a 2 level fire in your charcoal grill.  When you start the coals, increase the heat in the oven to 400 degrees.  When the coals have ashed over, lay green cherry wood twigs on the coals, remove the ribs from the tinfoil and lay over the cool part of the grill, bones-side down.  With a brush, apply the mop sauce to the meaty parts.  Close the lid and ventilate so the smoke pours out in thick clouds. 

Every 15 minutes or so, add mop sauce and new wood.   Repeat for about an hour.  Remove from the heat and let rest, covered for 20 minutes. 


Tres Leches Cake
This remarkable beast is the culmination of 2 days of patience and amazing physics of porous cake.  I adapted this from an April 2005 edition of Better Homes and Gardens.  The cake will weigh 9 pounds when its done.  Invite friends.
1 package White Cake Mix
3/4 stick of Butter, softened
6 eggs
1/2 cup Water
2 tablespoons grated Lime Peel
2 cups of fresh Strawberries, sliced
Tres Leches Sauce:
2 12oz cans Evaporated Milk
2 14oz cans Sweetened Condensed Milk
2 cups Heavy Cream
Topping:
1 cup Whipping Cream
1/4 cup Super Fine Sugar
1 teaspoon Vanilla Extract

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Grease up 2 9 inch round cake pans.  In a large mixing bowl, combine the cake mix, butter, eggs, water and lime peel.  With a mixer, on low speed beat until combined.  Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes.  Spread evenly between the 2 pans.  Bake for 45-50 minutes or until a chopstick inserted into the middle, comes out clean. 

While the cake is cooking, make the sauce.  In a large sauce pan, combine the 3 milks.  Heat and stir until it lightly boils.  Cover and place in the fridge to take the heat out a little. 

Cool the cakes in the pans for 10 minutes, then turn out out onto a cooling rack.  If you're really persnickety, you'll trim off the high points of the cakes so they will lay flat when placed on top of each other.  (If you're persnickety AND hungry, you'll eat the trimmings.  Let's not let anything go to waste.)

Lay the strawberries evenly on the top of one of the rounds of cake.  Place the other round on top.  With plastic wrap, completely line the sides and bottom of a large straight sided soup pot.  (I use a very cheap kitchen trash bag.  Non-scented, non-extra-chemicalled.)  Invert the cake and lay it in the bottom of the pan.  Poke the cake with a chopstick until it it has many wholes evenly spread out all over the cake.  (Hint: you are making a sponge.)

Pour 4 cups of tres leches sauce over the cake. Cover and refrigerate overnight. 

One hour before serving, pour over one more cup of the sauce.  Chill some more.

15 minutes before serving make the topping.  Whip the cream to very soft peaks and slowly add the sugar and vanilla.  Continue to whip until it forms very stiff peaks.  In one fluid motion, turn the cake out onto a serving dish with a lip on it.  This cake WILL make a mess.  Frost the cake with whipped cream. 

Slice and serve. 


And, like staying to the end of the credits in some movies, you've stayed to the end of the blog and you will be rewarded with some out takes.  Shame will now ensue.

What treasure could this contain?

This is the face of a man who may
 or may not have enjoyed a few rum beverages.

Oh My!!  What body part is this?

Caution: Children Playing

We had a little family reunion this weekend.  It was the first time all 3 siblings and all of our families could be in attendance, because it was the first time we've all been together since my nephew was born.  I learned a LOT about children, and a little about myself.   

My niece is almost 3 years old.  We'll call her Milly.  My nephew, lets call him Baxter, was just learning to crawl, so I think that makes him somewhere between 5 and 7 months old.  Certainly less than 1 year.  And since he was born sometime in 2010, I think that's a pretty safe guess. 

Now, my niece and nephew are the most beautiful children in all the land.  Not at all lizard-like.  Additionally, they are exceptionally well behaved--unless they want something.  Then, the otherwise sweet and demure children scream like banshees.  I also now know that these two are always in some state of undress: When Baxter was completely dressed, Milly would be peeling off her pants.  Milly likes to be completely dressed for dinner, but Baxter needs to be in his all-together. 

Milly is very fond of the lime light--if she's singing and you're not paying attention, well . . . attention must be paid.

I learned that kids can be very finicky eaters, but that they will also put anything in their mouths.  I learned that kids can swing from laughter, to screaming, to laughter again in a matter of moments.  I learned that my Mom really likes being a Grandma. 

More than anything else, I learned that my younger brother and his wife are great parents. 

I get to be a great uncle.  Who teaches the kids inappropriate behavior.  And maybe a little cooking. 

For meals this weekend, we enjoyed:

Aussie Burger

This is my brother's award-winning recipe based on a recipe found in Gourmet magazine.  This is another case of taking a good idea and making it better.  Side note: I'm not sure why it's called an Aussie Burger.  Unless you believe the Australians enjoy things larger than they need to be (think: cans of Foster's Beer) or you think they are a sloppy nation.  But I don't think that's fair.  Shame on you, you racist.

1/2 lbs Hamburger Patty

Toasted Hamburger Bun

1 leaf Lettuce

1 slice of Tomato

3 medium Green Chilies, roasted and skins removed

2 slices Pickled Beets

1 slice Pineapple, grilled

1 Egg, fried, over easy

2 tablespoons Chili Aioli

Grill the burgers to your liking.  Toasts the buns.  Assemble.  Eat it as best you can.  Use lots of napkins. 

Salt Crust Roasted Chicken
10 lbs Rock Salt (coarse sea salt is fine but very expensive.  Ice cream salt also works well and is much cheaper.  Just be sure it's a kind that you can eat, and not a poisonous de-icer for sidewalks.)

1 Frier Chicken (3 lbs) 

1 large sprig Thyme
6-7 large leaves Sage
3/4 teaspoon Ground Black Pepper 

About 2-3 hours before cooking, completely rinse the chicken, inside and out.  Pat it off with paper towels, season inside and out with pepper, and let stand to dry.  (Like we did in the Duck recipe.) 

About 1 hour before cooking, put the salt in a deep baking pan and put it in the oven set to 400 degrees.  Salt is a rock and can withstand very high heat.

About 10 minutes before cooking, stuff the herbs into the body cavity of the bird and truss its legs and body closed.  Clip or tuck its wings.

When the salt is heated all the way through, remove 2/3 - 3/4 into another large metal bowl.  BE CAREFUL!  With a wooden spoon or paddle, even the salt back out over the bottom of the pan.  Lay the bird in the middle of the salt and then pour the hot salt from the bowl over the bird.  Completely cover the chicken.

Put the pan back in the oven, reduce the temperature to 350 degrees and cook for an hour and 30 minutes. 

By this time most people are thinking, "Great idea!  I've completely ruined this chicken by dumping 10 pounds of salt on it."  Not so, good reader!  Allow me to lay a little science on you: Drying the skin and heating the salt allows the cooking to begin without dissolving the salt into the water in the meat.  As the meat heats up, steam escapes and there is a subtle interplay of steam dissolving small amounts of salt and the chicken taking on the perfect amount of seasoning.  If the salt grows to too high of a concentration, the steam from the cooking meat forces it back out again!  Ain't science great?

Pull the pan out of the oven and let it rest for 10 minutes.  Carefully brush the salt away until you come to the hard crust.  Gently crack through with a heavy knife handle and let some of the steam escape.  You should be able to then remove the rest of the crust with your fingers.  This will be the juiciest, most tender and most perfectly seasoned roasted chicken you've ever tried.  One word of caution, however.  If the salt grains are too fine, you may have to discard the skin and only eat the meat beneath. 


Sausage Gravy
1lbs of Pork Sausage (plus up to 1 tablespoon bacon fat)
3 tablespoons All Purpose Flour
Salt and Ground Black Pepper, to taste
3-4 cups Milk

In a heavy skillet, on medium high heat, brown and render the fat out of the sausage.  Drain the sausage, reserving the fat and the drippings in the skillet.  There should be about 3 tablespoons of fat.  If not, add additional bacon fat to the pan, reduce the heat to medium and lightly sprinkle in the flour, stirring constantly with a wooden spoon or wire whisk. 

Keep stirring until the roux darkens to a deep chocolaty, caramelly brown.  Reduce the heat to medium low.  Slowly add the milk, stirring the entire time.  If you aren't using a wire whisk, yet, do so now.  Pour in 3 cups of milk and keep stirring as the roux dissolves into the milk.  Season with salt and pepper.

Stir and stir.  This is an exercise in patience and love.  When the milk begins to boil (15 minutes or so) there won't be that raw flour flavor.  Let it cook and start to thicken.  If the gravy gets too thick, add more milk.  If the gravy is too thin, let it cook a little bit longer.  It will thicken.  As it starts to cool, it will thicken more.  Don't forget to scrape the bottom and the sides of the pan.

About 5 minutes before serving, taste and finish seasoning with salt and pepper.  Add the sausage to the gravy and stir.  Serve on top of buttermilk biscuits. 

Data Mining, or The Defense of Facebook and The Joys of Coupons

Before you get into this blog, go to a new window and Google "Data Mining."  Go ahead.  I'll be here when you get back. 

So you noticed that there are a couple of companies that have bought space at the top to tell other companies that there is real gold in your virtual identities.  Next, you probably noticed that there was some basic info on what data mining is and how it works.  Then there are literally millions of links for and against it, and companies who do it.  At one extreme, Madison Avenue is clamoring to know who you are, what you do, where you shop, why you do what you're doing,  and most importantly, are you reliable enough to do it again?  At the other extreme are the conspiracy theorists who believe that any information you give exposes you to corporate and government moles who burrow deep into your psyche and control your mind.  My conclusion?  Both are right and maybe it's not all bad.

Think of your Facebook profile and what information it offers.  Mine says what company I work for, where I went to school, many of my interests, political and religious views, and what movies and television shows I watch.  For example, I watch Family Guy.  This provides a wealth of info for advertisers which will then allow them to advertise to me.  Besides having the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy, I am most likely male, age 20-45, college educated, earn between $50k and $125k, own my home, have a mortgage and am also likely to play MMORPGs (think: World of Warcraft).  This data is crosschecked through other surveys that people like me may have taken and then verified through other websites I visit. Commercials that appear on Family Guy (on television) use the info they've collected to customize their message to me.  Too bad for them, I also have TiVo.  But the ads on the sidebar of Facebook also use the info collected.  So I have offers recommending products like what I would see if I watched the TV commercials.  Facebook will also advertise to me what my friends have indicated that they like, too.  If I like you and you like that company X's product, I may like it, too.

"But this is a food blog," you say.  "You are rambling." 

I'll bring it on home now.  Have you ever been offered a customer loyalty card at your local supermarket?  If you swipe your card, you get a discount off of many products.  But guess what else they're doing: Yep.  Data mining.  They know how you shop and what you're likely going to buy in the future.  King Soopers will print out coupons tailored to my shopping interests.  As a matter of fact, my savvy and fiscally responsible wife saved 20% off of our last grocery bill ($35 from $175).  Suddenly, eating well isn't nearly so expensive!  The downside, however, is they also know when we're most like to go to the store.  If people like us most often go shopping once a week on a Saturday, and people like us regularly buy meat, cheese, eggs, milk, veggies and fruit, and toilet paper, we may have coupons for some of these things but an additional advertised sale may only run Monday through Friday.  (Click here for more information on how you could be sorted.)

So I am one of the willing masses who recognizes the trade offs between giving advertisers what they want in exchange for giving me what I want.  But if you fall into another camp of cocooning and insulation, please be aware: your smart phone, your credit and debit cards, your shopping habits, your GPS, your internet, Facebook, Foursquare, Twitter and LinkedIn accounts, and even your address and phone number already give away many of your secrets.  There is little refuge for the wary.  Having said that, and having confessed my willingness to be exploited, I leave you with this caution: "Understand and be aware."  And, "When in doubt, follow the money trail."

Our coupon-saved cuisine tonight:

BBQ Pork Ribs
3 lbs rack of Pork Ribs (or Pork Shoulder Ribs, sliced by the butcher)
Salt and Pepper, to taste
BBQ Sauce (see the recipe, below)

Sprinkle salt on the ribs and let rest while you build the two-level fire in your grill.  Cook the ribs on high heat, rotating every 2-3 minutes until each side has the right amount of sear.  Move the ribs to the cool side, season with pepper and continue to cook at a low heat for another 40 minutes.  (Add cherrywood to the coals for a good smokey flavor at this stage.)

Remove from the grill, spoon on the hot BBQ sauce, and let rest, covered, for 10 minutes.

BBQ Sauce
2 tablespoons butter
1 large Onion, diced
1 large clove Garlic, minced
1/4 teaspoon Salt
1/4 cup Ketchup
1/3 cup (packed) Dark Brown Sugar
8oz Beer
1 teaspoon Hot Sauce
2 tablespoons Cider Vinegar
1 Bay Leaf

In a small sauce pan over medium high heat, melt the butter and saute the onions and garlic until they become translucent. 
Sprinkle in the salt.  Add the rest of the ingredients, stirring constantly and bring to a simmer.  Reduce the heat to low and continue to let it bubble gently.  Keep stirring as it reduces.  As the liquid slowly evaporates out of it, the flavors concentrate and become much deeper. 

The sauce can be refrigerated in a sealed contained for up to a couple of months.

Corn Bread
1/4 cup plus 1 teaspoon of your best Fat (I'm using Lard or a combination of Bacon Drippings and Vegetable Shortening)
3/4 cup Yellow Corn Meal
1 1/4 cups All Purpose Flour
1/2 teaspoon Salt
3 teaspoons Baking Powder
3 tablespoons White Sugar
1/8 teaspoon Cayenne Pepper
1 Egg, beaten
1 cup Milk

In a heavy, oven-proof skillet (cast iron works great!) add the fat and put it in the oven.  Set the oven to 400 degrees. 

Whisk the dry ingredients together in a large bowl.  When the oven reaches 400 degrees, add the milk and egg to the dry ingredients and stir until combined.  Swirl the fat around in the skillet, coating the sides and bottom completely.  Dump the rest into the batter and stir to combine.  Pour the batter into the skillet, giving it a shake (to get the air bubbles out and settle in the pan) and put the skillet back in the oven for 20-25 minutes. 

Remove it from the oven but slice it and and let it rest in the pan.  Serve hot with butter and honey.