Can We Have a Grown-up Talk?

I love indulging my passions. A fly on the wall would be both shocked and amused at my antics. Spend more than a few hours with me and I bet you would be too. While I can maintain a professional attitude at work and I prefer not to swear in front of my mom, most social conventions get thrown out the window when I'm left to my own devices for too long. I similarly prefer to surround myself with people a lot like me, which also means that we become enablers, or even instigators, to each other. I have been witness to or participated in most of the wonderful vices known to modern man.

Which takes me to porn. Don't turn away! I'm not going to embarrass you, me or my mom in this conversation. (While I'd love to say that I'll actually make my mom proud with this post, that wouldn't exactly be accurate either. Probably.)

Pornography has been around for a long time. Frescos uncovered in the ancient city of Pompeii (buried under 20 feet of volcanic ash in AD 79) depicted graphic scenes of handsome men and beautiful women doing their best to illustrate the entire catalogue of The Birds and the Bees. Man/Woman, Men/Women, Man/Man, Woman/Woman and sometimes Man/Woman/Member of the Animal Kingdom. Pretty much everything there to view. Like a very educational Google search. Or late night Cinemax.

Like ancient Rome, porn is now going much more mainstream than it used to be, even a few decades ago. Do you know who Bree Olson is? If your first guess was Porn Star, then you are a guy and I know what you've been doing with your computer. If you answered, "Porn Star who famously hooked up with Charlie Sheen and that other woman during Charlie's near downfall, and then got even more famous by telling her part of the story to TMZ," you would also be right and have illustrated my point.

Do you know what Bree Olson isn't? She isn't real. Bree Olson isn't her real name. You can find her stats and dimensions; her turn ons and turn offs; what she thinks about the industry, Charlie Sheen, and religion. But you and I don't know what she's like in an arguement. We don't know how she cleans her house, how she cuddles up to a loved one when she's tired, nor the quirks she has about shopping. In short, we don't have a person. We have a porn starlet.

Pornography is a poor (albeit sexy) imitation of a relationship. It doesn't show the day-to-day events and activities that build a partnership. It doesn't show taking out the trash, changing the diapers or rubbing your beloved's feet. It only shows you . . . well . . . you know.

And THAT is why I hate the term "food porn." Example: While I love Neil Patrick Harris, and he has a great Twitter feed of beautiful food from famous restaurants from all over the world, (@NPHFoodPorn), the real beauty of the food he is enjoying is NOT in the picture of the dish, but in the making and sensuality of it.

Food porn doesn't show you the ingredients, challenges, efforts and triumphs of truly wonderful cuisine. The time it takes assemble disparate parts; the sweat in a hot kitchen; the sticky fingers; flour hanging in the air; the smell of soup-stock simmering on the stove. This where my relationship to food gets permanently fixed in my soul.
But here's the rub: I still love looking at pictures of food. The experience can be inspirational. There is a fantasy, a desire, a carnal wanting that makes you crave more. Yes, even though I hate the thought of food porn, I indulge in it, too. The preacher also sins.

So here's a couple of recipes that could be food porn, but I am better for having had the relationship.

Gulkand 

Thank you to my friend at Indian Food Rocks for inspiring me and pointing me in the right direction. This particular recipe was adapted from recipes found extensively on the internet.

4-5 cups of aromatic Rose Petals (see recipe, below, to keep it safe)

2 cups White or Raw Sugar (I like more sugar than is usually suggested)

3 Cardamom Pods

2 teaspoons Coriander Seeds

4 Whole Cloves

Early in the morning, while your roses are just opening up for the day, snip the best-looking rose heads into a bowl. Make sure the roses are free of bruises, blemishes and BUGS! This is not part of my entymophagy post. Separate the petals from the rest of the rose head, and lay the petals out on a paper towel. Don't bother patting them dry but do remove any excess water. Discard any petals that are badly damaged, bruised, dried and crinkly, etc.

In a wide-mouth mason jar, layer rose petals and sugar. Somewhere in the middle, sprinkle in the spices. Finish with rose petals on top.

Seal the jar and place it in the sun for 6 hours a day for 3-4 weeks. Every other day, open the jar and give it a stir with the handle of a wooden spoon. (Opening the jar also allows you to indulge your senses by taking a whiff. I have to imagine this is what faerie farts smell like.) There will be condensation in the jars. This is good.

After 3-4 weeks, the petals break down and everything turns dark and muddy in color. This is also good. The sugar crystals melt and clump and pick up color and flavor.

You can eat the gulkand right off a spoon (Lord knows I do!) or you can add it to other ingredients. It combines well with alcohol. Mix a tablespoon of gulkand in 2 oz of water, 2 oz of good gin and 1 oz of vodka. Stir until the sugar has dissolved. Add the fresh juice of 1/2 lemon, shake over ice for 30 seconds and strain into a cocktail glass. refreshing on a summer night!

Orange Lavender Bitters

Like the bitters before, but MUCH better.

750ml Everclear

3 tablespoons Coriander Seeds

1 Anise Star

1 teaspoon Allspice Berries

2 teaspoons Peppercorns (I used white. That's what I had on hand.)

1 California Bay Leaf

8oz Dried Orange Peel

25 Drops Gentian Root Extract

8oz Dried Lavender Flowers

In a clean jar, combine all the dried ingredients EXCEPT for the lavender. Add the Everclear and the gentian root extract. Seal the jar and store in a cool, dark place for 7 days. Give it a good shake once a day. The liquid should start to turn orange.

After the first week has passed, add the lavender. Shake once a day for 7 more days.

Strain it through a seive to catch the big stuff, then double filter it through a pitcher water filter (I use a Brita).

When it is pretty clear (although very dark), put it in a sauce pan over medium low heat. Reduce it to 1/2. Store in clean jars.