Can We Have a Grown-up Talk?

I love indulging my passions. A fly on the wall would be both shocked and amused at my antics. Spend more than a few hours with me and I bet you would be too. While I can maintain a professional attitude at work and I prefer not to swear in front of my mom, most social conventions get thrown out the window when I'm left to my own devices for too long. I similarly prefer to surround myself with people a lot like me, which also means that we become enablers, or even instigators, to each other. I have been witness to or participated in most of the wonderful vices known to modern man.

Which takes me to porn. Don't turn away! I'm not going to embarrass you, me or my mom in this conversation. (While I'd love to say that I'll actually make my mom proud with this post, that wouldn't exactly be accurate either. Probably.)

Pornography has been around for a long time. Frescos uncovered in the ancient city of Pompeii (buried under 20 feet of volcanic ash in AD 79) depicted graphic scenes of handsome men and beautiful women doing their best to illustrate the entire catalogue of The Birds and the Bees. Man/Woman, Men/Women, Man/Man, Woman/Woman and sometimes Man/Woman/Member of the Animal Kingdom. Pretty much everything there to view. Like a very educational Google search. Or late night Cinemax.

Like ancient Rome, porn is now going much more mainstream than it used to be, even a few decades ago. Do you know who Bree Olson is? If your first guess was Porn Star, then you are a guy and I know what you've been doing with your computer. If you answered, "Porn Star who famously hooked up with Charlie Sheen and that other woman during Charlie's near downfall, and then got even more famous by telling her part of the story to TMZ," you would also be right and have illustrated my point.

Do you know what Bree Olson isn't? She isn't real. Bree Olson isn't her real name. You can find her stats and dimensions; her turn ons and turn offs; what she thinks about the industry, Charlie Sheen, and religion. But you and I don't know what she's like in an arguement. We don't know how she cleans her house, how she cuddles up to a loved one when she's tired, nor the quirks she has about shopping. In short, we don't have a person. We have a porn starlet.

Pornography is a poor (albeit sexy) imitation of a relationship. It doesn't show the day-to-day events and activities that build a partnership. It doesn't show taking out the trash, changing the diapers or rubbing your beloved's feet. It only shows you . . . well . . . you know.

And THAT is why I hate the term "food porn." Example: While I love Neil Patrick Harris, and he has a great Twitter feed of beautiful food from famous restaurants from all over the world, (@NPHFoodPorn), the real beauty of the food he is enjoying is NOT in the picture of the dish, but in the making and sensuality of it.

Food porn doesn't show you the ingredients, challenges, efforts and triumphs of truly wonderful cuisine. The time it takes assemble disparate parts; the sweat in a hot kitchen; the sticky fingers; flour hanging in the air; the smell of soup-stock simmering on the stove. This where my relationship to food gets permanently fixed in my soul.
But here's the rub: I still love looking at pictures of food. The experience can be inspirational. There is a fantasy, a desire, a carnal wanting that makes you crave more. Yes, even though I hate the thought of food porn, I indulge in it, too. The preacher also sins.

So here's a couple of recipes that could be food porn, but I am better for having had the relationship.

Gulkand 

Thank you to my friend at Indian Food Rocks for inspiring me and pointing me in the right direction. This particular recipe was adapted from recipes found extensively on the internet.

4-5 cups of aromatic Rose Petals (see recipe, below, to keep it safe)

2 cups White or Raw Sugar (I like more sugar than is usually suggested)

3 Cardamom Pods

2 teaspoons Coriander Seeds

4 Whole Cloves

Early in the morning, while your roses are just opening up for the day, snip the best-looking rose heads into a bowl. Make sure the roses are free of bruises, blemishes and BUGS! This is not part of my entymophagy post. Separate the petals from the rest of the rose head, and lay the petals out on a paper towel. Don't bother patting them dry but do remove any excess water. Discard any petals that are badly damaged, bruised, dried and crinkly, etc.

In a wide-mouth mason jar, layer rose petals and sugar. Somewhere in the middle, sprinkle in the spices. Finish with rose petals on top.

Seal the jar and place it in the sun for 6 hours a day for 3-4 weeks. Every other day, open the jar and give it a stir with the handle of a wooden spoon. (Opening the jar also allows you to indulge your senses by taking a whiff. I have to imagine this is what faerie farts smell like.) There will be condensation in the jars. This is good.

After 3-4 weeks, the petals break down and everything turns dark and muddy in color. This is also good. The sugar crystals melt and clump and pick up color and flavor.

You can eat the gulkand right off a spoon (Lord knows I do!) or you can add it to other ingredients. It combines well with alcohol. Mix a tablespoon of gulkand in 2 oz of water, 2 oz of good gin and 1 oz of vodka. Stir until the sugar has dissolved. Add the fresh juice of 1/2 lemon, shake over ice for 30 seconds and strain into a cocktail glass. refreshing on a summer night!

Orange Lavender Bitters

Like the bitters before, but MUCH better.

750ml Everclear

3 tablespoons Coriander Seeds

1 Anise Star

1 teaspoon Allspice Berries

2 teaspoons Peppercorns (I used white. That's what I had on hand.)

1 California Bay Leaf

8oz Dried Orange Peel

25 Drops Gentian Root Extract

8oz Dried Lavender Flowers

In a clean jar, combine all the dried ingredients EXCEPT for the lavender. Add the Everclear and the gentian root extract. Seal the jar and store in a cool, dark place for 7 days. Give it a good shake once a day. The liquid should start to turn orange.

After the first week has passed, add the lavender. Shake once a day for 7 more days.

Strain it through a seive to catch the big stuff, then double filter it through a pitcher water filter (I use a Brita).

When it is pretty clear (although very dark), put it in a sauce pan over medium low heat. Reduce it to 1/2. Store in clean jars.

Is That A Salume In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To Be Here?

They say the best things in life are free.  Walking hand-in-hand through a park with the one you love.  Reading a book.  (I finished the Twilight series upon the request of someone who will remain nameless.  And yes, she was a woman.  And yes, I sort of enjoyed them.)  And another of my favorites: new discoveries.

Think back to Bacon-Fest 2010 and in our (my) educational segment, we (I) discussed (told you about) the "cure" that makes bacon, bacon.  But curing meats takes time and space that most people do not have in abundance.  If only there were a place that the average Joe and Jane could go to acquire a broad spectrum of cured meats.  My friends, I have discovered the Shangrila of cured meats, right here in Denver!  Il Mondo Vecchio (essentially, "The Old World," the name indicates their sense of commitment to their craft) resides in an industrial zone of on the outskirts of Denver's downtown.  Located behind a blue collar diner and blue collar topless bar (think blue collar industrial strippers and you'll know what I mean) the humble surroundings belie the grandeur of the product inside. 

First, a little examination of salumi, and charcuterie.  Charcuterie is the general term for any kind of cured meat (although most reference pork), curing through any combination of salt, spices, processing, heating and drying.  Bacon, salami, pâté and sausage are all examples.  Salumi is the Italian representation of charcuterie.

Meats were first cured and dried to eliminate the possibility of bacteria and other beasties from eating, breeding and ultimately spoiling the food.  Without as much moisture, and with the addition of spices and salt, some cured meats can be kept near room temperature for many years.  Now we have refrigeration, so we don't need to cure meats the way we once did.  We still love the flavors and textures, however, so salame, coppa, prosciutto all remain on our menus.  Curiously, although we want to stop meat from spoiling, many of the best meats are actually fermented before they are cured.  Hhmmm.  Interesting. 

Jason Molinari has a good blog on curing meats.  Several others discuss the various types and flavors.  Start your education anywhere, but start your exploration in your mouth.  Take advantage of Mondo's Loading Dock Fridays.  Every Friday, from 2:30(-ish) to 6:30(-ish) they provide tastings and tours.  And every other Friday, my new buddy Joe Beggs can be found serving up smoked meats in slider form.  If you're in the neighborhood, stop by.  If you're not (and you're probably not), make a special trip--you'll be happy you did!

This morning's Breakfast Rustica includes Sweet Coppa, Prosciutto, Cured Duck ("raw," as well as cooked like bacon), fresh sliced peaches and sourdough toast with our friend's Raspberry Jam.  (Thanks Stephanie!!)

Paradise by the Kitchen-Stove Light

First, I have to apologize to all of my sensitive readers.  Today's topic is very adult.  I should probably apologize to all of my other readers, too, because it's probably not very well written. But if you're still reading, I will try to make up for it.  I promise. 

Many foodies have written about aphrodisiacs and they all talk about the same things: what are the various aphrodisiacs, whether aphrodisiacs really work and sometimes (rarely), how to prepare aphrodisiacs. I may bump into a couple of these topics, but it'll probably be more on accident.  Today, I want to bring sexy back to food.  Think of me as Emeril Lagasse's and Dr. Ruth Westheimer's brain child.  Or love child: noisy and a little uncomfortable to watch.

Lets get it out there: the biggest sex organ is the brain.  Boys and girls, if you can't stimulate this, you're not going to have much hope with second or third bases, let alone a home run.  (Mixing metaphors here.  Let's see how it goes.)  Women admittedly have it easier than men.  (Good example: H and I were driving home last night and drove by a topless sports bar.  The natural conversation ensued:

H: What's so great about boobs?  If you had the same sports bar without boobs, would it be as good?
Me: Boobs make it better. 
H: Why? 
Me: Because boobs make it better.  If I had Buffalo wings and could see boobs, or I could have Buffalo wings and not have boobs flouncing by, I would definitely choose with boobs.
H: Do you ever get over saturated with seeing boobs?  
Me: Sometimes, but then I'd still have the sports to keep me entertained.
H: I think if I had a shopping mall with penis or a mall without, I'd be indifferent, at best. In fact, I'd probably choose the one without.
Me: That's because boobs aren't the same as penis. They aren't even on the same continuum.  What else do you enjoy looking at? 
H: Shoes.  But I want to buy the shoes and take them home.  Is that how you feel about the boobs?
Me: Not exactly.
H: Diamonds then.
Me:  Maybe.  Closer. 
H: It'd be like me shopping at Cartier. 
Me: Yes.  Exactly like that. 
H: But I want to bring Cartier home with me, too.
Me: Then it's almost nothing like Cartier.  *pause, thinking* They are more like the Hope Diamond. 
H: How so?
Me: The boobs are very pretty to look at, but you can't touch.  And frankly, I wouldn't want all the drama that comes with fancy boobs or the Hope Diamond.  But I'm still happy that both are there. 
H: So I'm more like your Cartier and not the Hope Diamond. 
Me: Right.
H: I can live with that.

So, anyway where was I?  Oh yeah.  Food blog.  Aphrodisiacs.  Baseball.)  Women can appeal to a man's visual cortex and she'll often have her way.  Men need to get more creative.  Romance, wooing, a little more effort applied.  I think this is where aphrodisiacs come into play.  Chocolate covered strawberries, for instance, demonstrate a bit more effort than going out to Olive Garden.  One shows intimacy, specialness and consideration for your loved one.  The other says, "I don't want you to do the dishes, but I don't want to do them, either." 

So what foods are aphrodisiacs, then?  How about almost anything that is intended to be an aphrodisiac.  Phallic-looking asparagus?  Sure.  Sliced fruit?  You bet!  A ham sandwich?  Um, not if she's Kosher, but get ready, if you are charming Mama Cass.  Gravitate to food that sweetens your breath, that doesn't get stuck in your teeth, that can be eaten with your fingers and even better, fed to your paramour.  Unusual, out of the ordinary.  Think about the 9 1/2 Weeks refrigerator scene. Was it hot because Micky Rourke and Kim Bassinger were in various states of undress?  Or was it hot because it was outrageous and devil-may-care?  (OK, maybe a little of both.)

For the basics on aphrodisiacs, check out Gourmet Sleuth.  Lots of history and a few recipes. 

And for a light erotic dinner:

The TLC
Sparkling wine (chilled)
Rum (dark or spiced is good)
Cointreau
Passion Fruit Nectar (chilled)


In a pitcher or shaker, combine 1 part rum, 1 part Cointreau, 3 parts wine and 2 parts passion fruit nectar.  Stir twice to mix. 


Serve in a champagne flute garnished with a strawberry.  (First Base, here we come!)


Crab and Avocado Salad
1  large ripe Avocado
1 cup Lump Crab meat, cooked and cooled
1/2 cup diced Celery
Salt and Pepper
1 teaspoon fresh Taragon
2 tablespoons Olive Oil (use the good stuff here)
1 tablespoon Red Wine Vinegar
2 wedges of Lemon

In a glass bowl, mix the crab, celery, salt and pepper (to taste), tarragon, olive oil and vinegar.  Mix well, by hand.  Let stand, covered in the refigerator for an hour, stirring occasionally.

When ready to serve, slice the avocado in half length-wise and remove the pit (leave the skins on, however).  With a spoon, carve about a 1/4 inch more from around the pit hole, making more of a bowl.  Spoon in the crab salad, and serve with a wedge of lemon. 


Fresh Fruit Ideas
Mango
Berries of every kind
slices of Pear or Apple
slices of Peaches
Orange wedges
Champagne Grapes
Cherries

Think about dipping sauces, too.  Caramel, honey, whipped cream, clotted cream and chocolate are all extra tantalizing.


Use that big sexy brain of yours.  I bet you can come up with some great ideas of your own.  Swing for the fences and before you know it, you'll be rounding third and sliding into home.  (Nailed that metaphor!  Woohoo!)