It's Got To Be 5 O'Clock Somewhere...

I don’t enjoy cooking. To me, sustenance cooking is possibly the most boring kind of cooking there is and it’s the kind of cooking that happens the most often. I just don’t like it. I hate it. I am uninspired.

This isn’t your usual friendly host.

This is his, “lovely bride,” his “better half,” his “beloved,” or any other examples by which he has referred to me in his previous blog posts.

Hello!

In the 16 years that my husband and I have been married, I have cooked dinner for the two of us 13 times. 13. Not a typo.  (I admit I might be the luckiest girl in the world.)  Now, that’s not to say that I can’t cook.  I can.  I am a firm believer in the adage that, “if you can read, then you can cook.” (But occasionally cooking by reading leads to food that’s less than inspired).  Plus, my first middle school teaching job was half art and half home economics, so I was responsible for teaching 30 pre-pubescent children how to cook without burning the school down.  Which I did.  I just don’t want to cook at home.

But “a marriage is a partnership,” and all that, and I want to continue to be fed in the manner that I have become accustomed to so I try to find ways of contributing to the evening meal.  More often than not I try to know what I want to eat for dinner that night so my "chef" has a direction he can follow.  I stay out of the way, as our little galley kitchen is too small for the both of us.  I can load a mean dishwasher.  And I like to drink.  Which initially doesn’t seem helpful to the dinner process, but it is the reason your usual blogger requested I take over this week’s blog.

Back story: My husband and I have a raspberry patch.  In fact, this patch is bigger than our kitchen.  When we moved into our home it was cute and small and manageable and I was excited to see it, remembering the raspberries that I lived across the street from when I was a child.  Now the patch is no longer manageable.  I say this in the midst of picking season so I might be a little spiteful, but in truth, next year I will need to be more ruthless in the thinning out of the bushes.  There are so many berries that picking for an hour and a half everyday keeps me just barely on top of supply.  We freeze many bags of berries.

A few years ago, when I was in a similar glut of berries, I went on an interweb search of things to do with raspberries other than jam, pie, and the other usual suspects.  I was to the point of looking for a recipe for facial scrub as we had had our fill of eating them and it seemed like a great idea, what with all those seeds.  No such luck.  But I did find a recipe for Raspberry Liqueur.  Thankfully it called for huge quantity of berries.  I made the first batch and that jug was the humble beginning of a bigger love of alcohol with stuff in it.

The cocktail has always had an air of sophistication and specialness about it.  Lucky for the cocktail, it has seen a renaissance in the recent years.  “Speakeasies” are popping up like Whack-A-Moles around the nation (which in itself is a bit of an oxymoron) and the general public is more inclined to pay handsomely for a bespoke cocktail.  Especially when the ingredients in them are as fleeting as the seasons they come from.  Green Russell, you know how I love you.  So what’s a girl to do if her purse isn’t as large as her love of good hooch?  Make her own, of course!

Infusions are the easiest to start with.  Pick a flavor or flavors you love (or an ingredient you have too much of), put it in a big glass jar, cover it with your chosen liquor and wait.  At this point a cool, dark room or cabinet is your friend.  The waiting is the hardest part, even though in this instance it’s only for a few days.  Soaking time is up to you.  Obviously the shorter the soak, the milder the flavors.  A great cheat sheet has been provided by DIY Cocktails by Marcia Simmons and Jonas Halpren.  Use it!  However a good point of reference is, generally speaking, one part ingredient to one part liquor, i.e. 1 Cup Raspberries to 1 Cup Vodka (just make sure the berries are totally covered).

Liqueurs are slightly more work, but infinitely sweeter.  Same general process as an infusion but with simple syrup added at the end. Soaking time increases from a few days to a few weeks or months.  During processing, I take the extra effort to push out as much of the juices prior to adding the simple syrup as possible, just to have as much yummy goodness as I can.  With liqueurs, the older the better! As they sit (if you can refrain from drinking them right away) the flavors mellow and develop.  A processed batch that is a year old is better than a processed batch that is new.  Lemoncello falls into this category, as well.

Bitters have excellently scary ingredients in them like Worm Wood and Gentian Root and are more my husband’s realm as I gave him all the necessary accoutrement for Christmas a little while ago.  We use them in our Manhattans and Rob Roys while we watch Mad Men and covet the furniture and clothes…

And then we are sort of out of my area of expertise.  I really have no desire to make my own beer, but would I one day like to have a still in a shack out back?  Hellz yes!  Who doesn’t remember the hotness of Bo and Luke Duke??!!  But for now I will settle for my basement looking a bit like a science lab, what with all the bottles of unidentifiable soaking in fluids.

What’s for Happy Hour

Sour Cherry-infused Vodka
Again, quantities are up to you.  We have a Sour Cherry tree in the back yard so I currently have A LOT of Cherries soaking.  Didn’t want the squirrels and birds to have all the fun.
2 Cups Sour Cherries
2 Cups Vodka (or Gin or Whiskey or Rum) Your favorite brand is fine, but don’t feel the need to buy top shelf.  In fact, now is the time to be frugal.  The cheaper the better.  Skol or some other brand of that nature is great.

Put the cherries in a clear, glass jar. Agitate daily. Wait 3+ days before drinking. You can sneak a nip every day or so to see what the flavors have done. But be careful you don’t nip it all away…

Simple Syrup
I like my simple syrup to sweeten up whatever infusion seems like it needs it. 1oz of simple syrup with 4 oz of the above Sour Cherry Infusion, with a couple dashes of Orange Bitters, shaken in a cocktail shaker tastes like Cherry Pie in a glass.

Most of the instructions you will find for making simple syrup say to combine 1 part sugar with 1 part water and bring to a boil, stirring until the fluid is clear. This process sucks for me as standing by a hot stove waiting for sugar to dissolve is uncomfortable and boring. Instead I use the same quantities (1 to 1) but instead of adding the sugar to the water at the beginning, I bring my water to a boil FIRST and then add the sugar. The granules melt much faster this way and you don’t have to be right on top of the heat the whole time. If I’m making the syrup in large batches to have on hand (it keeps in the refrigerator) I will add the sugar to the boiling water in increments, being sure the liquid turns clear before I add the next increment. 2 cups water plus 2 cups sugar make a little less than 4 cups of fluid. You can also add additional ingredients to the fluid to make flavored simple syrup. I have included a table spoon of Lavender to the 1 cup/ 1cup as I was melting/low boiling the sugar in the water. It is lovely in gin (or iced tea, but what fun is that?). You can also add fresh mint, great for a quick Mojito or Mint Julep. Basil could also be great. Store in the fridge in a glass jar with a lid.

Raspberry Liqueur
4 Cups Raspberries
4 Cups Vodka or Brandy or Vendome (a brandy and cognac blend)
2 Cups water
½ Cup Sugar

Put the berries and booze in a clear, glass jar being sure that the berries are covered by the liquid. Store in a cool, dark spot like your basement. Agitate occasionally for 4 to 6 weeks. Drain the fluid from the berries. I like to use my pasta pot with a built in, bowl sized colander for this. With a wooden spoon press out as much of the remaining juices/ alcohol as you can. The berries will pretty much turn to mush.

In a sauce pot boil the water. Add the sugar. Cool.

Note: this simple syrup is far less sweet than the recipe above but that’s ok as the berry juice is already pretty sweet.

When the simple syrup is cool stir into the berry juices. Store in a glass container. If you can wait another month before you drink it, like I mentioned earlier, it will just get better and better.

Alert!! Don’t throw those berries away!!  I like to use all the parts of my berries and let nothing go to waste. Matte and I have made milkshakes with boozy berries. Matte melted chocolate and made Vodka Raspberry Chocolate Bark simply by laying the berries out on a cookie sheet covered in parchment paper, insuring there was enough space between the berries to allow the chocolate to act as a binding agent. He refridegerated it all for about an hour to have it set.

I’ve been long-winded but I hope you’ve enjoyed my contribution. See you in future posts, maybe…

H.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Updated)

It's my birthday.  Hands down, it's the best time of the year.  The whole nation celebrates with fireworks and cookouts.  You are given the day off from work.  There will be baseball games and parades, classic car shows and concerts in the park.  However, because I cannot be everywhere at once (well, yes I can.  I am with you in your heart) I thought I would invite you, virtually, into my backyard. 

First thing you have to know, our backyard is less yard and more contained open space.  Like a parent who calls her poorly behaved child, "energetic," "a free spirit," or my favorite, an Indigo Child, I have labeled my bad backyard "natural," and "feral."  Our house is known locally as The Jungle House.  We have a lot of plants that would be considered weeds in most backyards.  (We have many edible plants, as well.)  Needless to say, we don't have a classy swimming pool.  We don't even have a less classy but still refreshing above ground pool.  What we have is the quaint and oh-so-charming blue plastic wading pool that our dog loves to stand in and drink. 

So the idea of Pirate Night in our back yard for my birthday celebration seemed rather incongruous on a hot summer night in Colorado. 

And yet, it was oh so right. 

We started off with drinks and caprese salad, then mango, papaya and grilled pineapple with a butter, bourbon and brown sugar sauce.  Followed by a corn casserole, smoked crab legs, and Caribbean Merpig.  (Ok, I made that one up.  There are no such things as Merpigs.  Neither are there mermaids or mermen.  Nor North Dakota for that matter.  North Dakota is actually a fictional land created by both Canadians and "South" Dakotans to make themselves feel better.  "At least we don't live in North Dakota!" they all say.)  I made a wonderful Tres Leches cake for dessert.  We wore eye patches and temporary tattoos and folded paper hats.

Of course, it's already late and I'm sleepy.  I'll give you recipes and the rest of the story soon.

Part 2 (still soon):

A successful party depends on many things: the decorations, the food, the activities, the guests.  My lovely and artistic bride made a tablecloth and a new cushion for a little foot stool.  We strung LED lights along the ribs of the picnic umbrella.  We tore out most of the inedible weeds.  We kept the party small so that we could all sit around one table.  We didn't invite kids (so nice being a DINK).  Mother Nature cooperated by cooling off later in the evening.  My awesome brother provided rum drinks and the bar tending service after wisely picking Chris's brain--our favorite bartender at Green Russell.

Blessedly, the guests themselves became the activity.  Not everyone knew each other but by the end of the evening, new friendships were founded.  And there were pirate hats folded out of newspaper and eye patches made for children that, when worn by an adult with a normal-sized adult head, would pinch the blood off above the eyebrows and make the top of your melon turn an unsightly purple, thus increasing the necessity of the hats.  It was fun applying tattoos--in some cases on each other.

We blissfully avoided singing Happy Birthday to me. 

All-in-all, it was most every wish granted. 

For a pirate-themed birthday try:

Butter, Brown Sugar and Bourbon Sauce
1/2 stick Butter
1/2 cup packed Dark Brown Sugar
1/3 cup Bourbon
Melt the butter and sugar together in a sauce pan, stirring constantly.  When nearly melted and before it starts bubbling, slowly pour in the bourbon.  Stir until the sugar is completely melted, reduce the heat to a simmer and let it reduce to a nice syrup, about 15-20 minutes. 

Pour over fresh fruit, ice cream, popcorn or almost any other dessert. 


Caribbean Merpig (or Caribbean Inspired Rack of Ribs)
1 rack of Pork Ribs
Rub:
3/4 cup packed Brown Sugar
3 tablespoons Red Chili Powder (I recommend medium Chimayo chili powder)
1 1/2 tablespoons Baking Cocoa Powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground Cinnamon
Mop Sauce:
3 tablespoons butter
1/4 cup Spicy Brown Mustard
1/4 cup Yellow Mustard
1/4 cup packed Brown Sugar
1/4 cup Honey
pinch of Salt
1 teaspoon fresh ground Allspice

Lay the ribs on a large piece of tinfoil, bones-side (less meaty side) up.  Thoroughly combine all of the ingredients for the rub.  Pour about 1/3-1/2 of the rub on the bones side.  Using your fingers, spread it evenly all over the meat.  Flip the ribs over and repeat with the remaining rub.  Seal the ribs in tinfoil, crimping the sides and ends as best you can.  Place on a cookie sheet and pop into a 250 degree oven.  Bake for about 2 1/2 hours.  Meanwhile, combine all the mop ingredients in a saucepan and cook until melty and smooth and tasty. 

Start a 2 level fire in your charcoal grill.  When you start the coals, increase the heat in the oven to 400 degrees.  When the coals have ashed over, lay green cherry wood twigs on the coals, remove the ribs from the tinfoil and lay over the cool part of the grill, bones-side down.  With a brush, apply the mop sauce to the meaty parts.  Close the lid and ventilate so the smoke pours out in thick clouds. 

Every 15 minutes or so, add mop sauce and new wood.   Repeat for about an hour.  Remove from the heat and let rest, covered for 20 minutes. 


Tres Leches Cake
This remarkable beast is the culmination of 2 days of patience and amazing physics of porous cake.  I adapted this from an April 2005 edition of Better Homes and Gardens.  The cake will weigh 9 pounds when its done.  Invite friends.
1 package White Cake Mix
3/4 stick of Butter, softened
6 eggs
1/2 cup Water
2 tablespoons grated Lime Peel
2 cups of fresh Strawberries, sliced
Tres Leches Sauce:
2 12oz cans Evaporated Milk
2 14oz cans Sweetened Condensed Milk
2 cups Heavy Cream
Topping:
1 cup Whipping Cream
1/4 cup Super Fine Sugar
1 teaspoon Vanilla Extract

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Grease up 2 9 inch round cake pans.  In a large mixing bowl, combine the cake mix, butter, eggs, water and lime peel.  With a mixer, on low speed beat until combined.  Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes.  Spread evenly between the 2 pans.  Bake for 45-50 minutes or until a chopstick inserted into the middle, comes out clean. 

While the cake is cooking, make the sauce.  In a large sauce pan, combine the 3 milks.  Heat and stir until it lightly boils.  Cover and place in the fridge to take the heat out a little. 

Cool the cakes in the pans for 10 minutes, then turn out out onto a cooling rack.  If you're really persnickety, you'll trim off the high points of the cakes so they will lay flat when placed on top of each other.  (If you're persnickety AND hungry, you'll eat the trimmings.  Let's not let anything go to waste.)

Lay the strawberries evenly on the top of one of the rounds of cake.  Place the other round on top.  With plastic wrap, completely line the sides and bottom of a large straight sided soup pot.  (I use a very cheap kitchen trash bag.  Non-scented, non-extra-chemicalled.)  Invert the cake and lay it in the bottom of the pan.  Poke the cake with a chopstick until it it has many wholes evenly spread out all over the cake.  (Hint: you are making a sponge.)

Pour 4 cups of tres leches sauce over the cake. Cover and refrigerate overnight. 

One hour before serving, pour over one more cup of the sauce.  Chill some more.

15 minutes before serving make the topping.  Whip the cream to very soft peaks and slowly add the sugar and vanilla.  Continue to whip until it forms very stiff peaks.  In one fluid motion, turn the cake out onto a serving dish with a lip on it.  This cake WILL make a mess.  Frost the cake with whipped cream. 

Slice and serve. 


And, like staying to the end of the credits in some movies, you've stayed to the end of the blog and you will be rewarded with some out takes.  Shame will now ensue.

What treasure could this contain?

This is the face of a man who may
 or may not have enjoyed a few rum beverages.

Oh My!!  What body part is this?