It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Updated)

It's my birthday.  Hands down, it's the best time of the year.  The whole nation celebrates with fireworks and cookouts.  You are given the day off from work.  There will be baseball games and parades, classic car shows and concerts in the park.  However, because I cannot be everywhere at once (well, yes I can.  I am with you in your heart) I thought I would invite you, virtually, into my backyard. 

First thing you have to know, our backyard is less yard and more contained open space.  Like a parent who calls her poorly behaved child, "energetic," "a free spirit," or my favorite, an Indigo Child, I have labeled my bad backyard "natural," and "feral."  Our house is known locally as The Jungle House.  We have a lot of plants that would be considered weeds in most backyards.  (We have many edible plants, as well.)  Needless to say, we don't have a classy swimming pool.  We don't even have a less classy but still refreshing above ground pool.  What we have is the quaint and oh-so-charming blue plastic wading pool that our dog loves to stand in and drink. 

So the idea of Pirate Night in our back yard for my birthday celebration seemed rather incongruous on a hot summer night in Colorado. 

And yet, it was oh so right. 

We started off with drinks and caprese salad, then mango, papaya and grilled pineapple with a butter, bourbon and brown sugar sauce.  Followed by a corn casserole, smoked crab legs, and Caribbean Merpig.  (Ok, I made that one up.  There are no such things as Merpigs.  Neither are there mermaids or mermen.  Nor North Dakota for that matter.  North Dakota is actually a fictional land created by both Canadians and "South" Dakotans to make themselves feel better.  "At least we don't live in North Dakota!" they all say.)  I made a wonderful Tres Leches cake for dessert.  We wore eye patches and temporary tattoos and folded paper hats.

Of course, it's already late and I'm sleepy.  I'll give you recipes and the rest of the story soon.

Part 2 (still soon):

A successful party depends on many things: the decorations, the food, the activities, the guests.  My lovely and artistic bride made a tablecloth and a new cushion for a little foot stool.  We strung LED lights along the ribs of the picnic umbrella.  We tore out most of the inedible weeds.  We kept the party small so that we could all sit around one table.  We didn't invite kids (so nice being a DINK).  Mother Nature cooperated by cooling off later in the evening.  My awesome brother provided rum drinks and the bar tending service after wisely picking Chris's brain--our favorite bartender at Green Russell.

Blessedly, the guests themselves became the activity.  Not everyone knew each other but by the end of the evening, new friendships were founded.  And there were pirate hats folded out of newspaper and eye patches made for children that, when worn by an adult with a normal-sized adult head, would pinch the blood off above the eyebrows and make the top of your melon turn an unsightly purple, thus increasing the necessity of the hats.  It was fun applying tattoos--in some cases on each other.

We blissfully avoided singing Happy Birthday to me. 

All-in-all, it was most every wish granted. 

For a pirate-themed birthday try:

Butter, Brown Sugar and Bourbon Sauce
1/2 stick Butter
1/2 cup packed Dark Brown Sugar
1/3 cup Bourbon
Melt the butter and sugar together in a sauce pan, stirring constantly.  When nearly melted and before it starts bubbling, slowly pour in the bourbon.  Stir until the sugar is completely melted, reduce the heat to a simmer and let it reduce to a nice syrup, about 15-20 minutes. 

Pour over fresh fruit, ice cream, popcorn or almost any other dessert. 


Caribbean Merpig (or Caribbean Inspired Rack of Ribs)
1 rack of Pork Ribs
Rub:
3/4 cup packed Brown Sugar
3 tablespoons Red Chili Powder (I recommend medium Chimayo chili powder)
1 1/2 tablespoons Baking Cocoa Powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground Cinnamon
Mop Sauce:
3 tablespoons butter
1/4 cup Spicy Brown Mustard
1/4 cup Yellow Mustard
1/4 cup packed Brown Sugar
1/4 cup Honey
pinch of Salt
1 teaspoon fresh ground Allspice

Lay the ribs on a large piece of tinfoil, bones-side (less meaty side) up.  Thoroughly combine all of the ingredients for the rub.  Pour about 1/3-1/2 of the rub on the bones side.  Using your fingers, spread it evenly all over the meat.  Flip the ribs over and repeat with the remaining rub.  Seal the ribs in tinfoil, crimping the sides and ends as best you can.  Place on a cookie sheet and pop into a 250 degree oven.  Bake for about 2 1/2 hours.  Meanwhile, combine all the mop ingredients in a saucepan and cook until melty and smooth and tasty. 

Start a 2 level fire in your charcoal grill.  When you start the coals, increase the heat in the oven to 400 degrees.  When the coals have ashed over, lay green cherry wood twigs on the coals, remove the ribs from the tinfoil and lay over the cool part of the grill, bones-side down.  With a brush, apply the mop sauce to the meaty parts.  Close the lid and ventilate so the smoke pours out in thick clouds. 

Every 15 minutes or so, add mop sauce and new wood.   Repeat for about an hour.  Remove from the heat and let rest, covered for 20 minutes. 


Tres Leches Cake
This remarkable beast is the culmination of 2 days of patience and amazing physics of porous cake.  I adapted this from an April 2005 edition of Better Homes and Gardens.  The cake will weigh 9 pounds when its done.  Invite friends.
1 package White Cake Mix
3/4 stick of Butter, softened
6 eggs
1/2 cup Water
2 tablespoons grated Lime Peel
2 cups of fresh Strawberries, sliced
Tres Leches Sauce:
2 12oz cans Evaporated Milk
2 14oz cans Sweetened Condensed Milk
2 cups Heavy Cream
Topping:
1 cup Whipping Cream
1/4 cup Super Fine Sugar
1 teaspoon Vanilla Extract

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Grease up 2 9 inch round cake pans.  In a large mixing bowl, combine the cake mix, butter, eggs, water and lime peel.  With a mixer, on low speed beat until combined.  Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes.  Spread evenly between the 2 pans.  Bake for 45-50 minutes or until a chopstick inserted into the middle, comes out clean. 

While the cake is cooking, make the sauce.  In a large sauce pan, combine the 3 milks.  Heat and stir until it lightly boils.  Cover and place in the fridge to take the heat out a little. 

Cool the cakes in the pans for 10 minutes, then turn out out onto a cooling rack.  If you're really persnickety, you'll trim off the high points of the cakes so they will lay flat when placed on top of each other.  (If you're persnickety AND hungry, you'll eat the trimmings.  Let's not let anything go to waste.)

Lay the strawberries evenly on the top of one of the rounds of cake.  Place the other round on top.  With plastic wrap, completely line the sides and bottom of a large straight sided soup pot.  (I use a very cheap kitchen trash bag.  Non-scented, non-extra-chemicalled.)  Invert the cake and lay it in the bottom of the pan.  Poke the cake with a chopstick until it it has many wholes evenly spread out all over the cake.  (Hint: you are making a sponge.)

Pour 4 cups of tres leches sauce over the cake. Cover and refrigerate overnight. 

One hour before serving, pour over one more cup of the sauce.  Chill some more.

15 minutes before serving make the topping.  Whip the cream to very soft peaks and slowly add the sugar and vanilla.  Continue to whip until it forms very stiff peaks.  In one fluid motion, turn the cake out onto a serving dish with a lip on it.  This cake WILL make a mess.  Frost the cake with whipped cream. 

Slice and serve. 


And, like staying to the end of the credits in some movies, you've stayed to the end of the blog and you will be rewarded with some out takes.  Shame will now ensue.

What treasure could this contain?

This is the face of a man who may
 or may not have enjoyed a few rum beverages.

Oh My!!  What body part is this?

Data Mining, or The Defense of Facebook and The Joys of Coupons

Before you get into this blog, go to a new window and Google "Data Mining."  Go ahead.  I'll be here when you get back. 

So you noticed that there are a couple of companies that have bought space at the top to tell other companies that there is real gold in your virtual identities.  Next, you probably noticed that there was some basic info on what data mining is and how it works.  Then there are literally millions of links for and against it, and companies who do it.  At one extreme, Madison Avenue is clamoring to know who you are, what you do, where you shop, why you do what you're doing,  and most importantly, are you reliable enough to do it again?  At the other extreme are the conspiracy theorists who believe that any information you give exposes you to corporate and government moles who burrow deep into your psyche and control your mind.  My conclusion?  Both are right and maybe it's not all bad.

Think of your Facebook profile and what information it offers.  Mine says what company I work for, where I went to school, many of my interests, political and religious views, and what movies and television shows I watch.  For example, I watch Family Guy.  This provides a wealth of info for advertisers which will then allow them to advertise to me.  Besides having the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy, I am most likely male, age 20-45, college educated, earn between $50k and $125k, own my home, have a mortgage and am also likely to play MMORPGs (think: World of Warcraft).  This data is crosschecked through other surveys that people like me may have taken and then verified through other websites I visit. Commercials that appear on Family Guy (on television) use the info they've collected to customize their message to me.  Too bad for them, I also have TiVo.  But the ads on the sidebar of Facebook also use the info collected.  So I have offers recommending products like what I would see if I watched the TV commercials.  Facebook will also advertise to me what my friends have indicated that they like, too.  If I like you and you like that company X's product, I may like it, too.

"But this is a food blog," you say.  "You are rambling." 

I'll bring it on home now.  Have you ever been offered a customer loyalty card at your local supermarket?  If you swipe your card, you get a discount off of many products.  But guess what else they're doing: Yep.  Data mining.  They know how you shop and what you're likely going to buy in the future.  King Soopers will print out coupons tailored to my shopping interests.  As a matter of fact, my savvy and fiscally responsible wife saved 20% off of our last grocery bill ($35 from $175).  Suddenly, eating well isn't nearly so expensive!  The downside, however, is they also know when we're most like to go to the store.  If people like us most often go shopping once a week on a Saturday, and people like us regularly buy meat, cheese, eggs, milk, veggies and fruit, and toilet paper, we may have coupons for some of these things but an additional advertised sale may only run Monday through Friday.  (Click here for more information on how you could be sorted.)

So I am one of the willing masses who recognizes the trade offs between giving advertisers what they want in exchange for giving me what I want.  But if you fall into another camp of cocooning and insulation, please be aware: your smart phone, your credit and debit cards, your shopping habits, your GPS, your internet, Facebook, Foursquare, Twitter and LinkedIn accounts, and even your address and phone number already give away many of your secrets.  There is little refuge for the wary.  Having said that, and having confessed my willingness to be exploited, I leave you with this caution: "Understand and be aware."  And, "When in doubt, follow the money trail."

Our coupon-saved cuisine tonight:

BBQ Pork Ribs
3 lbs rack of Pork Ribs (or Pork Shoulder Ribs, sliced by the butcher)
Salt and Pepper, to taste
BBQ Sauce (see the recipe, below)

Sprinkle salt on the ribs and let rest while you build the two-level fire in your grill.  Cook the ribs on high heat, rotating every 2-3 minutes until each side has the right amount of sear.  Move the ribs to the cool side, season with pepper and continue to cook at a low heat for another 40 minutes.  (Add cherrywood to the coals for a good smokey flavor at this stage.)

Remove from the grill, spoon on the hot BBQ sauce, and let rest, covered, for 10 minutes.

BBQ Sauce
2 tablespoons butter
1 large Onion, diced
1 large clove Garlic, minced
1/4 teaspoon Salt
1/4 cup Ketchup
1/3 cup (packed) Dark Brown Sugar
8oz Beer
1 teaspoon Hot Sauce
2 tablespoons Cider Vinegar
1 Bay Leaf

In a small sauce pan over medium high heat, melt the butter and saute the onions and garlic until they become translucent. 
Sprinkle in the salt.  Add the rest of the ingredients, stirring constantly and bring to a simmer.  Reduce the heat to low and continue to let it bubble gently.  Keep stirring as it reduces.  As the liquid slowly evaporates out of it, the flavors concentrate and become much deeper. 

The sauce can be refrigerated in a sealed contained for up to a couple of months.

Corn Bread
1/4 cup plus 1 teaspoon of your best Fat (I'm using Lard or a combination of Bacon Drippings and Vegetable Shortening)
3/4 cup Yellow Corn Meal
1 1/4 cups All Purpose Flour
1/2 teaspoon Salt
3 teaspoons Baking Powder
3 tablespoons White Sugar
1/8 teaspoon Cayenne Pepper
1 Egg, beaten
1 cup Milk

In a heavy, oven-proof skillet (cast iron works great!) add the fat and put it in the oven.  Set the oven to 400 degrees. 

Whisk the dry ingredients together in a large bowl.  When the oven reaches 400 degrees, add the milk and egg to the dry ingredients and stir until combined.  Swirl the fat around in the skillet, coating the sides and bottom completely.  Dump the rest into the batter and stir to combine.  Pour the batter into the skillet, giving it a shake (to get the air bubbles out and settle in the pan) and put the skillet back in the oven for 20-25 minutes. 

Remove it from the oven but slice it and and let it rest in the pan.  Serve hot with butter and honey.

Thinking of Moms

We don't have kids, so I'm not a Mom.  (I also don't have the plumbing, but stay with me on this.)  I know a lot of Moms, however, and several of them I love dearly.  So today's blog honors those who dedicate themselves so devotedly, sacrifice themselves so greatly, and cherish us so lovingly as to earn the title "Mom."

Throughout the world and throughout history, humankind has honored the image of motherhood.  Fertility rituals, the linking of motherhood and crops, Gaia, Mother Nature, the irony of the Virgin Mary and even Bambi's Mom, all speak to the importance mothers have on our psyche. Some of humanity's earliest known artworks are of full-figured women (for example, Venus of Willendorf) amply able to provide, and provide for, the next generation.  Even the word "mother" has a certain universality of comfort: the phoneme "M" begins the word representing mom or mother in more languages than any other sound.  This "M" sound is one of the earliest conscious sounds a child can make and when long and drawn into a rhythm and tune, can relax and reassure a fussing baby.

Catriona Black, being a mum, art historian and a insightful writer sums up the evolution of the image of "mother," with its joys and sorrows, pain and vanity, far better than I ever could.

So how to show our appreciation for these paragons of love and affection?  In America, we have given Mothers an entire day of their own.  I know.  A little underwhelming, to be sure.  So lets dress it up a bit.  I'm not saying you need to recreate a glued macaroni picture of Raphael's Madonna with Child nor do you need to make her a mix tape (Freud and Cameron Crowe would have something to say about that).  Simple things like flowers are nice, and a good start to say "I'm thinking of you."  I have been told that pajamas are often appreciated as a gift from the man in her life.  And children presenting breakfast in bed is a staple tradition handed down from time immemorial.  Make an extra effort to offer a little pampering.  Clean the kitchen; vacuum the house and dust the knick-knacks.  Give her hugs and kisses and tell her, really tell her, how much you love her.

As for me, I'm writing this blog, thinking of the appreciation I can give to one Mom in particular. 

Happy Mother's Day.

Today for breakfast, one of my Mom's favorites:

Eggs Benedict (per person)
1 Egg
1 large piece of Back Bacon or small piece of Ham
1 English Muffin

For Hollandaise Sauce
1 stick Butter
4 Egg Yolks
1 tablespoon Lemon Juice
pinch Cayenne Pepper
pinch Salt
Everything needs to come together at the same time to be impressive. We cannot curdle the sauce and not overcook the egg, yet everything needs to be served warm.  This one can be a challenge, but well worth it!

In a large electric skillet, heat the water to a low simmer.  Add a tablespoon of white vinegar to the water.

On the stove, heat a small pan of water or water in a double boiler.

In a skillet, heat and brown the bacon or ham.  Slice open, toast and butter the English Muffin halves.  Set muffin halves, cut side up, on a serving platter and lay a slice of ham or back bacon on each slice.  Place the tray inside of a warm oven (100 - 110 degrees).

Gently crack the eggs open into the simmering water in the electric skillet.  The vinegar helps the eggs hold their shape.  Also, the fresher the egg is, the firmer the whites will be and the better the overall look will end up.  Cook the eggs at a low simmer for about 3-4 minutes.  The whites should be springy but not rubbery.  Using a slotted spoon, remove the eggs from the water and place one on each muffin half.

In a small stainless steel or glass bowl, whisk the egg yolks and the lemon juice together.  Place the bowl over the gently simmering water.  (Don't let the bottom of the bowl touch the water or the water boil too hard, or you will have scrambled eggs, instead.)  Whisking quickly, slowly pour the butter into the egg yolk mixture.  Continue to whisk until the sauce has increased in volume.  Remove from the heat and whisk in Cayenne pepper and salt.  If the sauce has thickened too much, whisk in boiling water, 1 teaspoon at a time.  While hot, ladle the sauce over the English Muffins, bacon and eggs.  Garnish with parsley.

For a festive update, add shredded crab and sliced avocado. 

A Super Bowl Party to Remember

It was a great game and I'm pleased as punch that the Saints won. But the real story for us was the party we joined.

We were grossly unprepared.

Our friends invited us to their aunt and uncle's home. A long way out, east of town, nearly an hour's drive by interstate. "Bring an appetizer to share," we were told. I made a kind of chicken skewer with 3 kinds of dipping sauces. Something simple and somewhat out of the ordinary.

When we arrived, the spread was already laid out. Peeled jumbo shrimp, chips and dip (a great layered dip, btw), vegetable crudites, brownies, cookies, candies, flowing wine, bottomless beer and sodas. Our chicken fit in well, but already paled in comparison to the shrimp. Oh! if we had only known!

We ate for an hour before the game. THEN we were informed that dinner was going to be served. Roasted lobster tails, king crab legs, rigatoni al pomadoro, two kinds of salads, homemade pizza . . . there was probably more, but that's all I could get to.

Now, my brothers and I have a training ritual for events like this. For a Thanksgiving feast with the family, for instance, we will start eating a few days in advance, stretching our stomachs as best we can. Each day we'll eat a little more than the last. Then the day of, we'll fast until the big meal. In this way we can maximize our caloric intake in one truly glorious bout of gluttony.

How woefully unprepared for such a Super Bowl party. Pity.

Next year will be different.

Chicken Skewers

8 large Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breasts
1/4 cup Soy Sauce
3 tablespoons Olive Oil
Bamboo Skewers, soaked in water overnight

Marinade the chicken in the soy and olive oil for 2 hours.

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Slice the chicken length-wise into 1/2 inch strips. Skewer the slices and lay on a cooling rack on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10-12 minutes.

Buffalo Sauce

1 tablespoon unsalted Butter
1/3 cup Frank's Hot Sauce
1 tablespoon Tabasco Sauce
2 tablespoons White Vinegar
1 teaspoon Onion Powder
1 teaspoon Dark Brown Sugar

Melt the butter in a sauce pan, over medium high heat. Add the rest of the ingredients in order, stirring as you go. Reduce the heat and let simmer for 15 minutes. Best served hot and in an open area. It will sting the eyes.

Sweet and Sour Sauce

1 tablespoon unsalted butter
2 cloves of Garlic, finely minced
1/2 cup old Jellies or Jams you have laying around (I used am apricot jam and grape jelly)
2 tablespoons white vinegar
1 teaspoon Soy Sauce

Melt the butter in a sauce pan, over medium high heat. Saute the garlic until just soft. Add the jellies, stirring quickly until they are thoroughly dissolved. Add the vinegar and soy sauce and continue to stir and simmer until reduced to a slightly thicker liquid. (You can use a little more vinegar if you like it a little more tangy.)

Serve hot or cold.

Spicy Peanut Sauce

2 tablespoons Canola Oil
1/2 teaspoon Garlic Powder
2 tablespoons ground Chimayo Red Chili Powder
1/2 cup smooth Peanut Butter
2-3 dashes of Tabasco
1 teaspoon Soy Sauce

Heat the oil in a sauce pan over medium high heat. Stirring quickly, add the garlic and chili powders. Stir until thick and smooth. Reduce the heat to medium low. Stir in the peanut butter, Tabasco and soy. Keep stirring until smooth. Best served warm.